Last year we told you how Atlantic coast sea levels were rising faster than elsewhere, according to USGS scientists. We warned you at that time not to argue with government scientists, because they’re never, ever wrong about anything. Well now, we have satellite pictures to prove it. The pictures are actually of Antarctica, but we’re able to extrapolate from them that we were right all along. And more importantly, these pictures prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that global warming is real—and quite beneficial to us boaters, by increasing our net GBA (global boating area).
What Good Luck: Enough ice is being lost each summer to cover the areas of two very large countries, Canada and Alaska, combined. This means you and I now have 3,455,673 more square miles of open water for our boating pleasure.
What Bad Luck: As most of you motor-heads already know, cooler air is denser. So running your powerboat in the warmer air of a warmed world means a loss of horsepower. In fact, according to some guy named Clem on Corvette Forums, you lose one percent horsepower with every 10-degree rise in ambient air temperature. I’d look up a better source, but I’m too busy right now trying to figure out how the warming temperatures will affect sailboters. Near as I can tell, the air-density coefficient changes by a factor of six for every 10-degree temperature rise, which means that an average sailbote will go from being pig-slow to pig-slower.
What Good Luck: We can combat this problem by simply buying boats with larger engines. As a side-benefit, these more powerful boats will burn more fuel, which should help speed global warming, and thus we can clear the Arctic Circle of even more ice, so we boaters can have an even bigger GBA.
What Bad Luck: Some lame leftist liberal nimrod bleeding-hearts are coming out with “environmentally friendly” engines like the propane-powered Lehr and the 80-hp electric Torqeedo.
The only way these engines can help us eliminate that boat-restricting ice cap is if you park one next to it and use the motor to constantly circulate water, like an ice-eater. Which may be exactly what I’m doing, after my boss reads this.
- Lenny Rudow