In a move that shocked this pundit and even Oracle insiders, America’s Cup kingpin Larry Ellison took the stage early today to announce a partnership with the Golden Gate National Parks that, he said, “Will provide us with all the room we need to build an America’s Cup village worthy of the 21st century:

“Very few landmark buildings in the Park will have to be torn down, and we have engaged the services of one of the world’s leading architects, I.M. Pie, to assure that all the stuff that gets knocked down is replaced with a landmark building of the future. Auckland had their shot. Valencia had their shot. Now it’s our turn. Through our bargaining with the City and Port of San Francisco, we successfully diverted attention from this much tastier deal on the northern shore of San Francisco Bay. We will have the most beautiful Cup Village ever, and believe me, if we could get the National Parks to agree to this, getting our hands on a pier in San Francisco would have been a piece of cake.” The crowd roared with approval—even the press applauded—when he unveiled the conceptual drawings.

Even the Starfleet would feel at home

Mr. Ellison noted that the artist rendered an empty harbor because there is, as yet, no consensus on how many hulls the raceboats should have for AC 34. He then took the occasion to announce the release of Oracle Hologrammatic Projection 2.0 software, which places the viewer “onboard” the raceboats. “We are entering a new era of spectator fulfillment,” he said. “You might even come away with bruised shins. You just sit down in the chair and . . . ”